?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Life is... spoot.

Long time no post, ladies and gents. :U  Not much to report; Jake and I are still doing great.  I DID manage to score an interview, though.  FINALLY.  I've been applying almost everywhere(places that are ACTUALLY hiring) and the only place that's called me back is Hot Topic.  The interview went really well; the manager and I ended up talking for half an hour, and half of it wasn't even about job stuff.  That's a good sign, right?  I'm confident that I did the best I could(and I am a wreck when it comes to people asking me questions), so it all comes down to how many people she interviewed and is allowed to hire; I just KNOW I'm on her hire list.  I'm supposed to know by Friday, so of course I'll obsess over it to no end.  Hopefully Jake will be able to put up with me, as I'll be with him the majority of the week.

My car's transmission was NOT failing; spark plugs were shitty and needed to be replaced.  Apparently they had never been.  Good job, previous owner.  No matter, everything is fixed and fine now.

I've been knitting.  I'm currently working on a Venusaur hat for Ms. pannsie using this color chart I made:

So far I'm still on the ribbing, as I don't know how many rows I want it to be.  The height and width of the leaves are set, as is the width of the petals, so the correct number of each fit the number of stitches in the hat.  I don't know how long the petals will be; I'll worry about that when I get to them.

I've been trying to lose weight, I really have.  I haven't exercised lately, but I've been attempting to keep my calorie intake at 1600, giving myself free days once in a while so I don't lose it and down a bucket of ice cream.  I really need to drink more water; I just plain forget sometimes.  I'll go days without drinking anything, and then wake up one morning wondering why I feel like crap.  The lack of water HAS to be what's been keeping the scale stuck stubbornly in one place; I try hard not to go over 1600 calories a day, which isn't much at all considering what I weigh( 283 8( ), so the weight should be melting off.  I don't hate that I weigh this much; what I hate is the fact that I allowed myself to gain back everything I lost the first time.  I actually LIKE my body and I only look about half as big as what the scale says; I carry most of my weight in my ass/thighs(GHETTO BOOTY WHUT), so the majority of me IS "normal" size, if there is such a thing. xD  The only goal I really have is to be able to fit into all of the clothes I used to wear, just because I don't have money to buy anything else other than the few outfits I have now.  And I know Jake would love me no matter what size I was, so this isn't about pleasing him or anything.  It's a fashion crisis, more than anything. :U

My birthday is the 21st.  I feel really weird about turning 20, because: a) 20 years is already gone and I feel like I haven't done anything, and b) I feel like I have to hurry and grow the fuck up now, however you do that.  Did anyone else feel this way about a certain age they've turned?  Is there such thing as a quarter-age crisis?

I don't like birthdays in general, actually.  I've had ONE good birthday(which was because of my ex's mother(thank you!)) and I feel like the rest of them have been shit.  Nobody remembers, or fusses over me, or gets me anything.  I know it sounds selfish and stupid, and I'm usually not one to expect things from people, but is it too much to ask that someone does something nice for me for a change?  I feel like I do everything to make everyone else happy, but I can't even look forward to my own birthday because I know nothing will be reciprocated.  This only counts for my immediate family, by the way.  Which is sad, because shouldn't they be the ones making the biggest fuss?  My friends remember and I know Jake will remember, so why do I feel like my family doesn't care?

Jake is taking me out on the 20th because he has to work the 21st, which is great of him, but that means I won't have anything to do on my actual birthday.  My parents won't do anything and none of my friends live in the area, so I'll probably just sit at home feeling sorry for myself, even though I know perfectly well that making such a huge deal out of it is stupid.  I can't even do something for myself because I have no money.  I just want the birthday everyone else seems to get, that's all; the one where people plan things for them or surprise them with something.  It just seems like my family is indifferent to mine.

TL;DR: Hopefully hired, weight loss dramatics, my own family forgets my birthday, self-pity baww ensues.  I didn't mean for this entry to turn into such a crapfest, but yeah.  Hopefully the next one won't be so terrible.  I deserve good things, dammit.

EDIT: Just realized I haven't posted in almost two months WHOOPS SORRY GAIZ. 8U

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
rabby
May. 13th, 2012 09:02 am (UTC)
OH MY GOD YOU'RE BACKKKK~!!!! **HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSS** I MISSED YOU!! ;0; I was soooo confused because I was starting to think I'd unfriended you and I COULD NOT FIGURE OUT WHY I WOULD DO THAT!!! ;0; <3 **HUGS** Welcome back!!

UGH, BIRTHDAYS. I think society has made us all expect big things from birthdays - ESPECIALLY surprises. ;_; I planned to plan nothing for my birthday one year in the hopes of being thrown a surprise party. Didn't go very well, but my sister tried. ;~; Though I am ashamed to say I don't make much fuss for friends' birthdays very much unless they're having a party I know about. T_T Usually I plan things for myself, however. (Like themed parties. Or at least I used to when I lived with my family... ;~; Miss themmm...)

But for birthdays where people just can't be around... Can you maybe rent or download a movie or show you're excited to see? (HAVE YOU SEEN SHERLOCK OH MY GOD WHY DID I WAIT, SO GOOD...) I sometimes do that and make myself my favourite tea and just... Relax? I allow myself to stay up as late as I want (even if I always do, I make a conscious decision that I can go to bed whenever! Makes me feel special because if I stay up WAY too late (ie 7am) I don't allow myself to feel guilty. XD;

I haaaaaaaave to admit, though... generally I'm lucky with birthdays; mine falls between Christmas and New Years Eve so many people would have it off. The past few years not so much (being an adult, ugh...) but... Yeah. I try to treat myself ON my birthday and accept the lovely wishes of my dear ones (like your Jacob!) as my birthday-DAY-surprise. Does that make sense? You can even work on your Venusaur... I generally watch movies and draw and drink tea and it makes me feel happy. ^_^;; (Easy to please, maybe... But it took a long time to be able to lower my expectations of THE DAY - it's hard to keep having holidays during the holidays! XD;)

Ugh.. Weight. Me too - I weigh 150 right now, and since I used to be a small and am now a medium, many of my clothes don't fit, and I often shopped and bought smalls instead of mediums when I shouldn't have, with the expectation that I'd soon lose the weight (HA!) without actually doing anything. ~_~;;; I'm mostly wanting to get back into my fun clothes, but also I'm a little embarrassed about my boob size. I'm pretty sure it's a desireable size - not too big, not small - but I had a 34B for SOOOO LONG it feels abnormal to have what I have now (which rangers from a 34C to a 34D. X_X;). I think my boyfriend, too, will love me no matter my weight (he just insists he wants me to be healthy, not skinny and whatnot. :DDDD) but I'm PRETTY SURE he's starting to enjoy the boob size. Oh well; it won't melt off, so he's stuck with them for now... kekeke...

"I feel really weird about turning 20, because: a) 20 years is already gone and I feel like I haven't done anything, and b) I feel like I have to hurry and grow the fuck up now, however you do that. Did anyone else feel this way about a certain age they've turned? Is there such thing as a quarter-age crisis?"

PICK ME!!! I'm 25 and I still feel like I'm 20. At 20 I still felt 18 though. But REALLY, not a lot has changed since I was 20. ;_; I met Marco and fell in love with him and pretty much my life has otherwise stopped progressing. So I feel like I've lost 5 years except for in my love life (where it feels as though I've gained 7. ^_^)... I DEFINITELY feel like I haven't lived up to my expectations of who and what I wanted to be and right now I have no job. (high-five of sadness?) I'm not a college graduate, nor am I a published, working illustrator. I don't know what I want to do precisely... And so I'm not working towards it. I NEED to get somewhere before I hit 30! ;___; OH GOD it's only FIVE YEARS AWAY and LOOK HOW FAST THE LAST FIVE WENT!

Ugh... Aging. It happens quicker as you grow up, don't you think? XD I do... Years seem to fly by, whereas when I was a child, they crawled. But this at least helps me realise that time will pass before I know it and I'll feel like a failure MORE in five years if I realize then that nothing has changed in the past 10. ;_; I want to be able to get married, buy a house, and possibly reproduce. ;~; Not now, but then. ;~; I gotta get moving..

**Hugs** Welcome back. <3
rabby
May. 13th, 2012 09:03 am (UTC)
For the record, that comment was 11 characters short of being too long. XD;;; **DORK**
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )